Oh David,
Its true. I fear, yes I fear. I fear all the time. I fear rejection. I fear that I am never good enough. I fear change. I fear uncertainty. I fear making the wrong decisions. I fear leaving something good or acceptable enough and then never finding anything better. I fear being alone. I fear being without. I fear so many things. I fear punishment for all my sins and shortcomings.
I always choose the path of least resistance. I have a good job. It’s OK, easy, good hours, pays well, but I don’t wake up excited every day to go there. But where am I ever going to find another job like this? What if I don’t? I need to pay bills. And I have a good marriage, great life partner, nice house, considerate and thoughful husband who I have nothing in common with and who never ever speaks his mind for fear of conflict, and so we have never been nor will ever be truly imtimate with each other. I fear if I try to force the issue, he will reject me. He probably fears the same. Yet I love him and he loves me. We are comfortable life partners. He is a part of me like my arm is a part of me. Everything is fine. But I want more. If I ask for more he will get defensive and shut himself off from me completely. Men and women don’t see eye to eye. Women want to talk, men want TV.
I wish I knew what to do to improve my situations. Without risking losing them. I long to be happy, fulfilled, joyous, complete. But I fear. I want to make a different movie but I dont have the script or the camera. Where do I begin?
Thank you for your answers and your love and your acceptance.
Denise
