Re: Re: David’s Guidance

[julie]

O.K., the truth is that I am actually a little afraid that I might be crazy. What if I chip through all the grimy scabs only to confirm that I am not playing with a full deck? What if the real me is just a little (or a lot) off? Are all these impulses and ideas I have even beneficial to anyone but myself? How do I know what is real? How do I know who is the real me? I have been so guarded for so long, I am not even sure anymore and I know I am getting in my own way with doing the work. I have turned around so many times I don’t know where I stand anymore. Actually, I know where I stand for some things, I know what I believe in and why I am here, those are all very strong inside of me, those are all fighting things and I know I am not afraid to fight. It is the light things, the good things, those are the things I will not let myself be. Why? Why would someone be so ready to fight but so afraid to be light? I see now how much your last letter to us has bothered me. I did not realize it until now, but it has really stressed me out. I know it sounds silly and I know I don’t sleep enough anyway, but I have been getting more and more anxious since I read it. I am not (nor was I ever) upset about the letter’s presence, I am grateful for the opportunity to communicate and learn from you all. Only disappointed in myself I guess (I know disappointment does not serve me or anyone else). It is obviously (now, anyway) something that I really need to work on (yet something I have been working on for so long, but until now I don’t know that I have been giving it my 100%..I don’t think I have been fully living this commitment to change). I was doing so well for so long. But, little by little I could feel the rails going up around me and I could see myself becoming more and more frustrated with my inabilities. How do I break through? I know I can do it, I want to do it, but the truth is that I am afraid and I don’t know why. I know there were things that happened in the past that helped me learn to put my guard up, but shouldn’t the fact that I know these things make it easier to bring it down? Is meditation the only way to find and hear the answers? What else can I do? Where do I go from here? And is it even fair to ask you to tell me, shouldn’t this be my work? Shouldn’t I have to figure this out on my own? Isn’t this my path and am I cheating by asking these questions?
I am sorry for taking up so much room here. I only hope that like I am continuously learning from everyone’s posts, that someone besides me gets something good out of this overflowing load of laundry, at least a good chuckle or two.
Many thanks and much love,
Julie