Re: Re: David’s Guidance

[julie]

Hello Joanie and everyone else who is present and listening,
This is Dorlie.
Thank you for your time and responses.
My father does love creamcheese on toast and I will continue to try to give him love and attention without feeling ressponsible. this is a tough one to work through. my sister would like to buy the comforter 😉
about myself:
I thought my life was to be there for others, to support and help others to feel happier and safe. I have chosen the career of a therapist and have my first job for almost three months now going into homes to give therapy to children and families. That is how I came upon this boy, and his family.
I do my work alone, there is not protection should things get violent. I feared for my safety in that home and this boy has physically attacked many other workers who came into the home before me.
I was feeling heaviness in my heart since my father has been having more issues with his wife and she is threatening to leave him.
But since i was in this families home I have felt so much fear, uncertainty in my self, my career and the goodness of the world.
This is the most sick and fearful i have ever felt for myself. I feel little appetite, I have diarreah, I can not
sleep for one week now without medication no matter what I have tried (positive thoughts, gratitude journaling, walking for hours a day, talking to others) and when I am awake the minutes stretch like agonizing hours throughout the day full of negative thoughts and crying.
I resigned from my job a few days ago for “family emergency/personal reasons”, they say they are sorry and understand but give me two weeks of work to complete including going back to the families home to speak to the parents of that boy.
I am obsessing over these two weeks of work and feel extremely depressed. All I want to do is sleep but I can not due to anxiety and side effects of anti depressant/anti anxiety medication. I fantasize taking pills to sleep forever, but that is just a fantasy, I know, to give myself a break from this fear, anxiety, hopelessness and pain. I will not hurt myself bc I am loved and have so much support. My husband is so loving and giving,
so is my sister who has been holding my hand through this time over the phone with calls pretty much every day. My parents also love and support me very much.
I want to believe I will get through this and have a brighter path on the other side. I want to believe this will be a lesson in my life to live my best life and to chose things that
make me happy, not chose things because i feel i “should” and out of guilt. I feel I am locked inside looking out of a dirty window at the sunshine and happy people thinking “good for them, that will never be me”.
I will see a psychiatrist and therapist monday, this feels like my only hope.
I need help.

Lots of love and appreciation,
dorlie