I have spent a lot of energy in trying to work out exactly who I am and why I am here so the story that follows is quite long. I have derived this information by channelling, meditation, hypnosis, auto-hypnosis and also through a couple of conversations with my lady-love’s “higher-self” whilst she was in a trance state. My story is subject to change as I discover more about myself, but in the mean time here it is: the interim working model of who I am, how I came to be here and why I am here now.
For the purposes of this narrative I will start my story with a council meeting of the group of Light-Beings that created this reality. They were discussing how this reality we inhabit would come to a close so that a new reality could take its place. Sort of like one game coming to an end so that another can be played on the same game-board. The way these games are played is that each Light-Being will hold a particular resonance and will be responsible for a particular role. Each of the Light-Beings decided how they would play their role for every part of the game. The current game in question is quite an interesting one. It is a game where some of these Light Ones had created many manifestations (also called incarnations) that had been able to experience “individuality”. This was a radical thing as players inside the game actually had to forget that they are all ONE. They forgot their own eternal, immortal nature. Nowhere in All That Is had such a thing been done before. In order to give the game direction the concept of “duality” had been set into place. In the absence of the knowledge of their own divine purpose, players needed something else to give them a sense of direction. Rivalry and conflict were decided upon. There would be two main “camps” as defined by who the player would serve. On the one side would be those that serve others and on the other side would be those that serve themselves. And so the game played out with fragments of the Light Ones having incarnations in the system and experiencing the ecstasies and the miseries of the system, in so doing discovering who they really are from a position of absolute forgetfulness. It was a marvellous, amazing, grand experiment in consciousness and the rewards were phenomenal but now the time had come to bring the whole game to a close. But it was perceived that there would be some considerable difficulty ending the game. Can you see the problem? In order for the game to work all the players would have to forget that they are players. They would very often engage with feelings of hatred and anger or love and need towards each other. This would compel them to bury themselves in the game. How then do you end the game? Their free will cannot simply be breached and the game ended! This would cause them profound trauma and would upset two of the most fundamental rules of creation: free will and cause-and-effect. So ending the game would have to be done carefully and with some delicacy. The only way to do it would be for each and every manifestation to awaken to the fact that they are in fact immortal beings of light simply experiencing an illusory, transient reality. They would each have to choose to leave the game voluntarily. Each of the Light Beings then put their plans in place for this successful ending of the game.
It is not mine to know what all of the Light Beings decided. I know only a little of what one of those Light Beings did. I will draw your attention to this one Light Being… Though names of no use to such beings they are of some use to us so we shall call this being Joy-Divine or J-D for short. J-D held some positions and responsibilities in the game but had not manifest itself into the game as others had – It had not incarnated a fragment of itself. Instead It had fulfilled functions that allowed the game to be played (such as being the holder of the frequency which is the range of all emotions called “joy”, amongst many other things). But now, to bring the game to a close, Joy-Divine decided it was time to introduce a manifestation. From within its own being it created a being which may be called Delight. Delight would be that which carried the light of Joy-Divine into the densest depths of the game. Delight would in fact be the incarnating portion of J-D…
And that, you may by now realise, is ME. And the very first memory I have of me is when I first became slowly conscious of “selfness” whilst held cradled inside the being of Joy-Divine. I knew only Oneness and belonging. Infinite love was my sustenance. The deepest bliss was my every experience. Slowly my consciousness rose out of this slumbering joy and I began to think and question. As I became aware of my own identity I conceived the thought:
“Here I am. What am I?”.
And with infinite love and gentleness J-D began to answer. In one way, this lifetime and all my experiences is a small part of the infinite, unending answering of that question. For by living and BE-ing I am discovering myself, who and what I am. You see Light Beings don’t communicate in thoughts and words as we do. This whole universe is really a conversation… a communication… these beings expressing themselves. And as I am here discovering who I really am… it is also Joy-Divine engaged in the act of telling Delight the answer to the question “what am I?”. It’s an amazing thing, really. And maybe it is thus for you too? Maybe you too are that which is busy answering the question “what am I?”. I think this is so, don’t you?
But now to the question of why Delight is here. For beings to move forward they must conceive of a purpose for themselves. Delight has the purpose of being “an Interventionist”. What exactly “an Interventionist” is, is a long story that I shall tell on another occasion – for now kindly accept that it is a being that travels around assisting others when they become stuck in the creations of their own reality. And so Delight would help here in the work of the ending of this reality in a… well… a delightful way, really. 🙂 Delight would help to release those that are stuck here due to what they have created in their lives. But you know you can’t help a friend with their pain if you don’t understand what they are going through. So before Delight could help, I had to immerse myself in this reality completely. I had to incarnate and then find myself and awaken and ascend back out of the system. Only then would I have sufficient understanding to really help and do what I came to do.
So the first thing I actually remember “doing” is beginning to descend into this system. What a shock! I began to fall from the light into the darkness of density. I fell and fell. And then I realised I could no longer feel my connection with the Oneness! I was lost in the cold of desperate aloneness. My vision began to shrink – I could no longer see what all the results of my actions would be! I no longer knew that everything was perfection. There was so much I suddenly couldn’t know. As I conceived of the fact that I didn’t KNOW what would happen an entirely new experience gripped my heart – FEAR! “If I don’t know what will come next how could I know I would be okay?” I couldn’t! I felt the black robes of the Veil of Unknowing and they felt like icy claws shredding my heart. This was agony! And I fell and I fell. And then… then there were moments of oblivion… of forgetting both the bliss of what came before and the pain of the falling. Blessed forgetfulness. I began to forget it all and look through blurred eyes upon a new world. My first incarnation had begun…
My first lifetime was, I believe, on a planet in the star system called “Lyra”. It is called this after the musical instrument, the Lyre, which is a sort of a harp and that is a useful analogy for the way in which life was created there. Many beings had their first incarnation there. Incarnations were much less dense than here. Bodies were far more subtle than these that we inhabit now. A tonal vibration in the light was what allowed bodies to manifest (rather than the traumatic gestation process we use here) – hence the “harp” analogy. But before I digress further, let me tell you about life in Lyra. It was a place of love and gentleness where they use joy as a vehicle for teaching. The people there were fair of skin and hair with blue eyes. I still bear those features now out of a sense of identification with them. A bit like a club badge, I guess 🙂 These were a graceful and vital people with a full understanding of Body and so they treated their bodies with great respect and lived to incredibly great ages. In fact they did not age as we do at all! As a young one gained age and experience it would become wiser and more powerful in the ways of spirit. It would gain a brightness. It’s aura would begin to glow. Ones of great age could immediately be seen by the great glow of their aura. And then, when they had done what they came for, they simply turned their bodies into light and left for subtler realms of spirit. A wonderful thing to see.
The Lyrans lived in absolute harmony with the land. They did not think of plants and animals and the planet as something to use and consume – no, they knew that they were One with these. The land was respected as their own mother. If a plant or animal was required to sacrifice its body for something that was needed for the people then it was respectfully asked for that sacrifice. If permission was given then the ending of the life was done with great reverence, respect and appreciation. Life there was truly a great, harmonious partnership between all parts. Each worked always for the greater good of the All.
My clearest memory of my life in Lyra is of me standing looking over a moon-lit ocean with a being called Adamu. Though not my father he had been the one that had raised me. It was there custom there that the elders raised the children. Only the wisest and most balanced were allowed to mould young minds. My dear Adamu was a wonderful being… a was a wise and respected elder. He was a powerfully built, leonine man with a flowing reddish beard, sapphire eyes and the brightest auric glow. In this memory he was sitting opposite me, his usually laughing eyes now very serious. He was explaining to me that I was not to remain with them… not to age as they do. He was pointing to the stars and telling me that my destiny lay “out there”. He skipped a stone across the still, moonlit ocean as a metaphor for how I must hop across many other planes in my coming progression: not stay in one place. I was crying. I didn’t want to go (this meant me dying) and he of course didn’t want me to go either as he loved me. But this was my destiny. He said something like “soon enough you will be on your way and you’ll have forgotten us”.
I said “never! I’ll never forget you. I’ll remember this moment forever”.
And I have.
I will always love the people of Lyra. They gave me my first life, my grounding. I had known SUCH unconditional love amongst them, I had known true belonging, I had a place “to come from”, and even though I would always be a wanderer, I would always have had a HOME.
And I remembered Adamu too. In this life I have reconnected with him and quite often channel him when I need his guidance and advice. Or simply his company. I would wish for everyone a father figure as sublime as my dear Adamu.
I left that life then in what was deemed the acceptable way for those beings that did not ascend bodily: I walked into the ocean until I was chest deep in the moonlit water. I then lifted my spirit out of my body and severed my connection to it. My body fell back into the waters, the waves closing over it. The ocean took care of the cleansing and nothing was left for the people to take care of. And then I was gone…
Life number 2 was my life as a soldier. I lived on a small planet with other soldiers. Things were very different to what they are here on earth. We were not, for example, able to reproduce. Our bodies were created to be soldiers bodies, not to make children. So we remained sexually immature our whole lives using our sex organs for pleasure and bonding. And I think there were also more than two genders but upon that point I am confused. Anyway, the other soldiers who were with me were my everything: they were my friends, my lovers, the only family I had known. A set-up that seems very peculiar to me now in this life but was completely natural in that life. We were happy after our own fashion and there was a great sense of belonging.
I piloted some kind of an armoured vehicle. I was engaged in the defence of the planetary mining operation. I can’t quite get a grip on this: somehow the planet was not solid… like a planet-sized gas ball or cloud of dust? Anyway, I didn’t really engage with life and took it all as a bit of a joke. On a day it was my turn to be in a control room in a sort of a satellite above the planet. Something inexplicable happened. All I can say is that the planet with all its inhabitants was stomped out of existence before my very eyes! Everything was wiped out of existence by some inexplicable phenomenon. A HUGE grey “thing” just passed though that reality and utterly obliterated the whole planet! I was left in a deep state of shock. Everyone I loved – all my friends, my family, my lovers, my home, my reason for living – EVERYTHING that meant anything to me was wiped out in one inexplicable instant. I was left utterly alone in a small satellite that was now no longer tethered to a planet. I don’t know what I did next. That little satellite would not have sustained life for long. I know I drifted for a while lost in abject grief. Maybe I died of a lack of air, food or water. Maybe I terminated myself. That is not in my memory… just a muggy fog of loss and grief… and then darkness…
Life 3 is a bit sketchy as I had some kind of mental retardation or something like that. My thoughts were very infantile – sort of like thinking in comic-book pictures and icons rather than in words or complex ideas. I could not even speak – I just made meaningless sounds. Life was hard then and people with such challenges were considered a useless burden.
The place I lived was a bit like maybe 16th century Europe in what I can remember of it’s technology and buildings etc. It was not a very happy life for me. I was taunted mercilessly by the other children. They even threw stones at me and chased me like a wild animal sometimes. The only one that really loved me and was eternally kind to me was my older sister. She was pure gentleness and goodness.
Then there was some uncle or something that was horribly abusive of me. He beat me terribly and sexually abused me whenever he could too because, you see, I was powerless to ever tell anyone about this. My only protection was to be with my sister whenever he was around, then he’d leave me alone. But if he found me without her… well, it got pretty awful.
And then, things being what they were in those days, my sister was no more than 15 or 16 when she was married off to someone and had to leave home. The man she married lived in the next town. I know she tried very hard to make this okay for me and I remember lying with my head in her lap and her crying disconsolately. She knew she was going away but could not explain this to me. All I knew was that she was unhappy and then she was gone. A horse-drawn carriage came to fetch her. I remember it driving down the lane into the bleak snow-laden forest.
Soon after that the uncle came around again. I knew what was coming and in my desperation I ran away to find my sister. I ran down the road the carriage had gone. I ran and ran. I can still taste the burn of the ice cold air stinging my nose and scalding my lungs. I ran until I fell down utterly exhausted in the deepening evening of the forest. I was very, very scared – every forest sound and shadow caused monster images to flash in my head. I huddled into a corner at the base of a tree slowly succumbing to exposure that cold, utterly lonely night in the forest.
Life 4 is the most difficult to explain. It occurred in another frame of reality so things just don’t translate well. I guess it might actually have been in a kind of etheric realm becasue in this place ideas and thoughts really were tangible things. I somehow had an ability with the crafting of ideas that could… I don’t know… the analogy I get is that I had a “sword of words”. I could somehow do great harm with the constructs of my mind and the others were defenceless against me. I had immense anger and rage towards them. I think these were the same beings as the life before because my sister was there again and this time she was the only one I loved. And this time I had all the power and THEY were defenseless against ME. They had simply never experienced anything like this before and had no way to defend themselves. So I just went around doing harm – exercising my rage, I guess. I rampaged through their reality and exacted my revenge and expressed my torment.
This whole lifetime ended quite strangely too. They captured me and confined me. And then they brought my sister and killed her before me. In so doing I saw that she and they were One. That the good and the evil the positive and the negative were all from within the same being. That which I loved the most and despised the most was all the same one being – just different manifestations of it. I was shaken to my core. They then killed me too. This somehow was a favour to me. It somehow absolved me of my karma. They did this as an act of love. Which is very hard to understand from the perspective of the morality of this life now but it WAS so then.
Also I later came to understand that what I had done to them was somehow a service to them. Much worse was to come and I sort of helped them to prepare for this. It was as a result of me that they would later survive.
But I don’t really understand much about this lifetime and I hope to puzzle it all out some day.
Life 5 is uncomfortable for me to tell. The place was sort of medieval. I was born to some local lord. We lived in a castle on a mountain overlooking a valley in which there was a village. Our village was far from any other and transport through the mountain was by slow horse-cart and so we lived quite an isolated life. Most of the villagers would be born and die without ever venturing of the valley. Very few ever even saw the next village. Transport was difficult and slow and communications almost non-existent..
For this lifetime I had been given a spiritual gift: a connection to a special form of spiritual “energy” that is mine for the work that I am to do. I was to use this energy to show the people how to do healing and other such spiritual work.
I think my mother was quite sickly and she had struggled for many years to fall pregnant. Being the local gentry, it was important that she give my father an heir. News of her pregnancy with me was therefore greeted with great joy. When I was born, a perfectly healthy baby boy, the village was overjoyed and a great celebration was given. I was the village’s “golden child” and was much loved and celebrated. I soon began to display my gift in doing small magical things. The people saw this and wondered at it. Somewhere in my teens events conspired to take me in a dark direction: firstly my mother never properly recovered from giving birth to me. She was bed-ridden for a few years and then just faded away and died when I was a child. My father was pre-occupied with his grief and trying to balance that with looking after his responsibilities as the lord of his lands. When my magical abilities became obvious, the village witch asked to be allowed to teach me – to “mould” my abilities. Despite the fact that she had shown herself to be capable of quite a mean streak she was allowed to take me into her care. As I say, my mother was gone and my father’s concerns were elsewhere.
She played my ego. She told me I was special beyond all other people. She lead me to believe all others should serve me and be as slaves to my will. She taught me to believe I was a demi-god. I came to believe that my magical abilities were not to be placed in service of the people but instead were proof that the people should serve me as my gifts did.
Complicating matters was the fact that the people did not look at me directly or come close to me. This was of course as a result of the structure of that society – the common folk bowed their head before their lord as a sign of respect. And I was to become their lord. But the point of all of this is that I felt isolated and alone. My only companion was the witch who was trying to use ego manipulations on me to serve her own agenda. This eventually backfired on her. At some point I drove her away. Somewhere in there my father died too and I became the lord. I was utterly alone and isolated. I saw some of the village girls and I wanted them to love me. The gap between us was just too big to breach though and so I became angry and vindictive. I demanded that one of the girls come with me to the castle and, knowing nothing of love, I just took from her what I wanted. In so doing I ruined her chances of finding a husband but I cared little of that. It became a bit of a habit for me. And soon it was not enough to have sex with these girls… soon it became very abusive. Dark. I prefer not to go into details. If anyone denied me anything I wanted (in whatever regard) I’d use my magic to punish them. I’d raise terrible storms or in some other way punish the whole community. No-one dared refuse me. And then I came to hear of a gathering in the village. They were coming together in the market place to discuss what to do about me. I was enraged! I have a picture of myself standing on a cliff overlooking the village with the castle behind me. My emotions boiled and stewed. I was going to show them all! They would never again try such insolence! I began to raise the storm to end all storms. I pulled the wind in towards me – pulling and pulling, I drew in great storm clouds until, roaring and raging, they towered above me. The sky darkened to black and lightning raced. I was connected with these profound forces and I felt the lighting in my own body. It exhilarated me. I felt so large… so powerful… so alive. I revelled in it and in the punishment I would bring. I felt like a god. A very dark and powerful god. I drew in more energy. The wind whipped against my body almost pushing me right off the cliff-face. I saw the villagers below scattering and rushing to secure their homes. The fire in the marketplace around which they had gathered blowing up cinders onto their houses thatched roofs. I was gleeful at their fear. They would pay! The storm developed and developed – the forces straining to break and smash themselves against the village below. And then… nothing. My body collapsed lifeless on that cliff. I had over-done it. I had pushed too much energy through a vessel that was not capable of containing it. Overloaded, my body simply ceased functioning and then there I was, a spirit being looking down on a lifeless form.
That was my last lifetime before this one. I spent A LOT of time between that incarnation and this one. As a spirit-being I reviewed the life I had just left – I looked at the pain and devastation I had caused and I was aghast. I felt such remorse and anguish. I began to try to terminate my own existence. I’ll spare you all the details but I spent a lot of effort simply trying to destroy my own beingness. I tried everything I could but I simply could not end myself. Whatever I did I just continued to exist. I seem to have spent some time obliterating my connection to everything – in other words I tried to cease being by ceasing to DO and losing my memory of all things. Eventually I found myself in a kind of stasis. I was nowhere, did nothing and knew nothing. But that didn’t help because as soon as I wondered how I came to be there it all came flooding back. I realised there was no escape… no cessation. I had to deal with what I had done. And as soon as I decided that, I was in the company of other spirit beings. They brought me before an ancient, wise and beautiful one. Like the “head wizard” or something. I assumed he was to be my judge. I assumed he was going to sentence me for my grave wrong-doings. I immediately began to declare my guilt to him. I was like a limp, wet rag – all tears (metaphorically) and abject apologies. I alternated between earnestly swearing to do better next time, dedicating myself to endless service to repair the wrongs that I had done and begging to be punished or destroyed. On and on I went. The wise one just listened. When eventually I paused he asked “are you done? Because I have someone you should meet.” And then I was introduced to a very special being. A being of pure unblemished truth. Because I still like to use names I call him “8”. Back then I came to see him as the sharp blade-edge of TRUTH. He was hard – but ultimately and completely fair. He took one look at the snivelling rag that I was and simply said “you need to grow a little back-bone”. He took me in hand and worked with me. We were not inside of time so there is no way to express for how long we were at it but I would say it was the equivalent of very many lifetimes. I learned a great deal from him. First he pretended to give me work as “punishment” until I discovered that the work was not punishment but simply an opportunity to express love. Then, when I finally realised that I no longer desired to be punished, he began to help me to see my own beauty. He helped me to see my worth and what I have to offer. Slowly a deep and amazing bond forged between us. He was my guide and teacher but I also knew that he was respected (even revered) by some of the most wondrous beings of this reality. I was blessed beyond my ability to tell of it that he came to my assistance.
Then came a day when 8 told me it was time to finish what was started: I needed to have one final incarnation so that I could let go of the incarnational cycle and rise up to find what I really am. I was filled with trepidation and self-doubt. I really did not want to go into density again. I feared that I would do damage again and did not want this. “Come with me,” 8 said, “I have someone I want you to meet.”
“Who?” I asked.
“Someone who is to be your partner in your journey in the next incarnation. You won’t be alone.”
And then before us was the most incredible sight: a being of the most radiant blue light. I had never seen so much light compressed into such a small space. I was awestruck.
“What does this being want with me?” I asked 8.
“This one will take a challenge to planet earth: she will struggle with the lesson of self-love. You are to love her.”
“Well of course,” I replied, “how else can I respond to such a being.”
“You are to love her consistently until she finds her self-love and in return she will be your truth until you find your self-truth.” And in that simple sentence the partnership was sealed. With such a being at my side how could I fail? And so it was: my lady love and I met 17 years ago. It was love at first sight and we have remained pretty much in love for all that time. We have a partnership that amazes even us. A miracle of love. And I HAVE loved her until she loved herself and she WAS my truth until I discovered my own truth within myself.
And that more-or-less brings me to the present moment.
So here I am now. I am awakened. I discover myself. And along the way I discover a few other things:
First: 8 is my guide while I am incarnated but the reality that I hid from myself is that he and I are actually partners, that is to say, we are a team. He has looked after me through my journey (though I mostly did not know it) so that I can come out the other end and then we can do our work together. My unending gratitude to him for his help is mirrored by him to me. He is unendingly grateful to ME becasue I was the one that took the tough job of descended into this reality for us. So we are in balance, he and I. My job here is really just to find myself and awaken so that I can ascend out of the system and with that hermeneutic understanding, we can do our work.
Second, I realise that that “head wizard” being, the one I thought was there to judge me… was actually just ME! You see, only we can judge ourselves – no one else. And anyway he did not come to judge at all. He simply came to be a part of assisting me to find my way back home. I guess you could say he was a face of Joy-Divine. But then you could say that I too am a face of Joy-Divine. So…
Third, I discover that I really love myself. And like myself. And trust myself. I realise that my journey was a path that we all travel when we come here. We go via Forgetting to a place called Not-Self. When there we do all kinds of interesting things like fear, pain, hatred and abuse. Then, slowly, we begin to discover that this doesn’t make us happy and so we begin to replace this with love, joy, kindness and healing. And this makes us happier. And so we realise then that we have left Not-Self and find ourselves well on the road back to Self. And seeing as True Self is not a being that has forgotten and doesn’t know so, inevitably as we become more Self so we remember and ascend out of this duality-reality.
Fourth, to my utter surprise, I realise that I really love what is here in this reality. I love this planet with a love that sometimes aches in my heart. I love all that is upon the planet too: the animals, the forests, the seas.. and yes! the people too. I love all of them, although I do not always love all that they do. Some of them do some very hurtful things to self and to other/self. But that is only because they are lost and confused. If you look in my story you will see I also did some very hurtful things in my confusion. So I cannot judge another.
And now I discover something ELSE which is possibly the most interesting: our darkest most dismal secrets are actually our most glorious jewels. You see, when you are in your greatest pain, you give someone else the gift of being able to express love to you by allowing them to help you to heal. Then, when you do heal, you come away with great compassion for all others that have pain. Then these “others” give you the gift of allowing you to help them with their pain. This thing – this helping each other – this flows from compassion. I say to you: “If we each see the darkness within ourselves with clear and open eyes then we find compassion for the darkness in an other/self. And compassion is the route to Oneness.” It is the healing of that which is fragmented.
And this is the first part of what I wanted to share here… the very briefest summation of my story. It is my introduction to you that are here on this amazing website… this quiver of light-arrows.
In love and laughter
Oh, yeah, P.S.
I forgot to include this other thing that I discovered. It’s a loopy one: I discover that, outside of time, I am already that which has ascended and always was ascended. In fact I am a being that has already expressed itself eternally in an infinite number of realities because I am already an infinite, immortal creator being and always was. And so my beginning, as laid out above in this story, is not really my beginning it’s just a convenient place to start a story. I am myself, I am my higher-self and I am One with God. And so are you. So you and I are One. So I am you and you are me and we are All That Is. And that’s just the freakiest, happiest truth ever! And so I greet you: