Re: Re: …Starseed…

[echo]

Thank you for the sincere response. With out sounding like a victim I would like to express how the “game” is not worth playing. It’s tough to discover things on your own, not to mention those that intentionally lead you astray. Then there is the temptation to get angry and lash out or to act out of impulse… It bothers me greatly to think that influence and ability can be granted to those intent on wasting or flaunting it; but the constant reminders! (≧ロ≦)

Sometimes I feel like I’ve stumbled onto something I wasn’t ready for, like that Pink Floyd song: Brain Damage. “…and if the damn breaks open many years too soon…” Idk, It’s easier to post my problems (and complain about them) here than saying it irl, why I trust complete strangers… must be a defect in my personality or something. When I say I feel lonely I mean I’ve become quite isolated. I feel I’ve “lost touch with reality.” I swear people can hear my thoughts. It’s like I can sort of of sense people react to them, like it’s too sensitive a subject to discuss so no one will disclose anything. I can’t hear anyone’s thoughts, I get ringing in my ears and taunting though, sweet deal. What is it? A hoax, an experiment? All this so that I can be made the fool so everyone else can feel content with themselves? But I feel hell bent, pent up inside. And so I keep making the wrong decisions. Last weekend was a thriller; I got beat up, broke/dislocated my wrist, and a gun was pressed to my head.

I always considered myself a good person, laid back and thoughtful. Maybe too thoughtful, too trusting. I believed the voices not knowing where they came from, what a mistake. Now they wont go away! I have to push them away, they bring doubt and talk about my darker secrets. I even hear it from my own family members. It’s very distracting and discouraging. My mysterious guests. They arrive on the television and in the music I listen to… Surely someone else around me must have noticed. “Just tell Truman to suck it up and turn the logo around so that the camera can see it… I want to go home to my wife.”

…The last thing I want to be is the example on how it’s NOT done. I just have a lingering feeling like the worst has yet to come. “…and if your head explodes with dark forebodings too…” Like I get a front row seat at the unveiling of my greatest flaws and my failure to meet the simplest of expectations.